Sibling Rivalry

From the beginning, Jack has been a great big brother. When I was pregnant, he couldn’t wait for his brother to be born. After Brett was born, I waited for the horrible moments of jealousy I had been warned about by friends with more than one child. They never came. Jack was impatient at times, but hardly abnormal for a three year old whether there was a sibling involved or not. So I started to assume we had simply been lucky and were destined to not experience the comments, or far worse the behavior, associated with a sibling in the house. Then the other day happened…

The other day we were sitting at the dinner table and Jack, out of the blue, asked me if I loved Brett more than him. I calmly said no, and asked him if he thought that I did. He replied yes. So I asked him what made him think that. He said I did more stuff for Brett than I did for him. So we talked about it some. I told him that Brett was younger so he needed more help and sometimes needed more attention so we could keep him safe. Jack seemed ok with the conversation, but me, on the other hand, was devastated by it.

I felt like a horrible mother that my child thought I had a favorite. I did a lot of thinking. I thought back to my own childhood and realized I had thought my parents had a favorite. Anyone that knows my family knows that my brother was obviously never assumed to be the favorite. But many times I thought my sister was the favorite. I remember my parents going to her basketball games in junior high and the football games when she was marching in the band. I seemed to remember my parents making it to a game, maybe two at the most, when I was a cheerleader. She seemed like the favorite. The funny thing is, I also remember my sister making comments about me being the favorite. So I started to think every kid might think their parent has a favorite; and every kid might think the favorite is not them.

I thought about what might make Jack think that I loved him less. I realized I might shoulder some of the blame for this perception. With two kids, you often divide and conquer. Well, when Troy and I divide, I often take Brett. This has probably happened by a mixture of design and circumstance. I started being the one to always put Brett to bed because it allowed me to start on my editing work a little earlier in the evening. I also love the bottle-feeding and rocking that go with putting a baby to bed. Also, Brett is a Mama’s boy. He tends to want me, so we tend to accommodate because it is easier. Finally, Jack and I are a lot alike. Because of this, we often clash. Brett has a different personality and he and I seem to compliment more than clash. While this is not by anyone’s choice, I also maybe haven’t made as much effort as I should have to make opportunities for Jack and I to have fun together, rather than to butt heads.

My solution? A little more Mommy and Jack time, and maybe a little more Daddy and Brett time. So Jack and I went to the store together on Sunday and on a Mommy and Jack date this week to see the movie HOP. Jack and I both had fun. And guess what? I got an unsolicited “I love you” and a request for me to put him to bed.